I know, I know, I'm talking about ADHD again......but hey, someone has to. Right?
One thing I would like to stress is that ADHD is a real disorder and qualifies as a disability under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). I don't know how many times I have heard someone sigh or seen eyes roll when a person is overheard mentioning they have ADHD.
I just wanted to stress that it is indeed a real disorder and many real people and families can get caught up in it and completely lost if they do not understand it.
There are many websites and message boards about ADHD so I will not get into naming them. I would like to draw your attention (ha!) to the spouse's complaints on the message boards. Many of them are angry, and they all say pretty much the same things, "My spouse doesn't respect me.", " It's like having another child in the house.", "...deliberately ignored what I asked him to do." or, "when he's not depressed he's angry all of the time." Rarely do you ever see positive posts that mention coming to a happy medium or a greater understanding of how to work together.
If you read any of my other entries about ADHD then you know It was a therapist that recognized my disorder. What I may not have mentioned was that I was going to the therapist due to the urgings of my wife and friends. I was deeply depressed and a completely angry person. I didn't know it at the time but even though my anger would lash out to others I was really angry with myself, I absolutely hated myself. Yes, I was acting like a jerk, I hated that I was so forgetful, I hated being reminded to do things by my wife all the time, I hated that I couldn't go anywhere without getting lost, or that I couldn't go to the grocery store and remember more than three things that we needed. I hated that I was so unsure of myself that I was totally incapable of making a decision for myself and if I did I would second guess and doubt it the whole way through.
Because I was unaware of why I was falling short of my standards and the standards of others that were put on me, I saw every reminder and every question as an attack. "Why is everyone always on my ass?"
It really began to affect my family life, We argued all the time and my patience level with my son was so short that I was constantly on him about every little thing. I was definitely NOT the fun parent. The tension was wound so tight in our home that I am truly surprised my wife and I didn't snap. I know that divorce was not an option for us, we are in it for life. We already went down that road, both with first marriages and we were not willing to go down that road again. The only option was to figure it out, or have me committed. (that was a joke, but I'm sure it crossed her mind.)
Once I was diagnosed, a whole new world of understanding opened up for us. It took me a while to get over the "what if " stage of it all. I went back through my life and And thought about how it would have been if I had only been diagnosed when I was younger. Would I have done better in school? Would I have done well in college instead of dropping out in the first semester just taking two classes? Would I have a better career? Would my first marrage have failed? Would I have more than I have now, perhaps a better life? You can really beat yourself up on this part of it all or you can see that trying to live in "what if " land serves no real purpose in your life.
My wife said to me, "This is your life, like it or not this is the best that it gets." ( I think there was a "learn to love it" in there somewhere as well) She has this wonderful way of using words to kick me straight in the nuggets and bring me back to reality. Life is what you make of it, just as a marriage is what you both make of it as well.
The hardest part that I can see for a family with ADHD is compromise and understanding.
Now I say a "family with ADHD" because everyone is involved. Remember those vows? Better, worse? Richer, poorer? Sickness, health? Compromise and Understanding...... You must BOTH come to an understanding of how an ADHD person's brain functions. It is chaotic, and sometimes difficult to slow down or focus. The attention span is erratic and if bored can become very short. (this doesn't mean you have to wear a clown suit to talk to your spouse, just don't take it personally if they begin to drift in conversation. HINT: change the pitch of your voice a bit if you see them drifting) I always tell people to picture themselves standing in the middle of a desert with nothing around you but thousands and thousands of bubbles blowing around in a gentle breeze. The bubbles each carry an idea, thought or memory and when one floats in front of your face and pops that is what you focus on. several may pop at the same time and you can get "lost in thought". ( I have been known to stand "lost in thought" for fifteen minutes or more, I am always thankful to the person who speaks to me and brings me back to the world.) You BOTH need to understand the persons limitations with ADHD, voice your concerns with each other. My wife and I came to an understanding that she was only reminding me of things to keep me on track, not because she is nagging me. I understand that and know now that she is only trying to help and I shouldn't get mad. I also have admitted to some areas where I need extra help, (taking my medication, why do they think a person who has the potential for forgetting to put pants on before going to work will remember to take a pill twice a day?) We have both learned to LOVE the smart phone, with Google calendar I have alarms and reminders for everything, and now I even know what we are doing next tuesday if I'm asked.
I understand that there are things that she would like me to do, not necessarily for her but sometimes instead of her. I really struggle with this, in my head the dishes don't even register until there is no more room in the sink to put anything else. It's like this, I can drive through town and wouldn't notice eight people standing on the sidewalk waving but if the ninth stood in the road I would see him. If I don't perceive it to be in my way it doesn't bother me like most people. That is why I have to really think about it. On the other hand, my wife will come home and notice that I have done something so she doesn't have to but when she goes to relax she sees my socks on the floor in the living room, she understands my mind was else where. She knows there is always something I'm going to forget.
Compromise and knowing the family limitations, requires communication. I understand now that I will never remember more than three things at the grocery store, so instead of trying to remember it all I will ask that it gets written down without her saying, "It's only four things, why can't you remember ?" If I am slipping and she feels like she is overwhelmed she knows that she can remind me that she can't do it all and I hear her. Sometimes instead of reminding me of something that needs to be done, she will suggest that we all work on it together.
Mediation in the relationship may be a good option for some who are having trouble with this communication. I continued to go to therapy for a while after my diagnosis just to get a better handle on how to explain what I was going through.
One of the most important things is just as there is no room for anger and resentment in any marriage, there is absolutely no room for it in an ADHD marriage. There are too many other issues to resolve without those things clouding the issue.
